


Moving Left Of Center

by northern



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Age Play, D/s, M/M, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-07
Updated: 2012-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-29 01:39:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/314444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northern/pseuds/northern
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I thought you and I could have a mini-vacation, just at home, before we go on tour next week," Spencer says. "You wouldn't have to make any decisions, no real choices — basically not think about anything."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving Left Of Center

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eledhwenlin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eledhwenlin/gifts).



> This was written for Bandomstuffsit, the 2011 Holidays fic exchange. Thank you so much to Lalejandra for doing the beta and pointing out where I could make things better.
> 
> The age play in the fic is unnegotiated.

" _Fuck_ , I don't want to do this today," Brendon says, plopping himself down into the corner of the anonymously beige couch in the waiting area. Spencer looks at him, taking in the furiously tapping foot, the way Brendon chews on his lip as he scowls like a child.

"This is the last interview before the weekend," he offers, hinging one leg over his other knee and sliding deeper into the cushions.

"I know..." Brendon doesn't look as if this helps in the least. He glances toward the reception desk where the girl manning it still isn't back. "I just... wish I could go on vacation for a while. Not do interviews, no promotion talks, you know."

"Mm," Spencer says. He knows the heavier load of promotion still falls on Brendon, even though they try to split the questions more now. "Publicity is good. It does help a lot."

Brendon sighs. "I know," he says. "Sometimes I just wish I could take a break from everything, is all. You know, Sarah is awesome for that. She can really get me out of my head. It sucks so much that I can't see her until next month."

Spencer has heard so many stories of how awesome and great Sarah is. He gets a little tired of it, but never for long, because it's so obvious how good Sarah is for Brendon. In this particular case he knows exactly what Brendon is talking about, because Brendon has very few filters on what comes out of his mouth when it's Spencer he's talking to. Spencer knows that Sarah isn't just Brendon's fiancee; she's also his Dominant.

Spencer finds it slightly unfair that he found out Brendon liked being submissive only after Sarah and Brendon got together. It would have been nice to try playing with someone he already knows so well. If Brendon would even play with a guy. Spencer is pretty sure Brendon's closer to straight than bisexual on a scale, despite the number of guys Spencer has seen him make out with at parties. But the people Spencer plays with are generally not people he knows well at all — or, at least, not people he has to see every day.

The receptionist finally gets back and smilingly ushers them into the studio, tossing her shiny blonde hair. Brendon smiles back, instantly professional, _on_ , but while Spencer puts his work face on as well, he keeps considering as he follows them. All through the interview only half his mind is on following the progression of the questions.

He has an idea.

 

***

 

"So," Spencer says, dipping yet another spring roll into the hot sauce. "About how you want a vacation."

Brendon finishes chewing on his piece of broccoli and reaches for the chicken Massaman curry container, which Spencer would normally fight him for. "Yeah, no," Brendon says, tilting the container so that he can scrape all of it onto his plate. "I know it's not really the time. And it's just wishful thinking. I know we can't."

Spencer swallows the last piece of his spring roll and pushes his plate away. He hopes this won't turn really awkward. He just... he knows he can help, and he can't not offer. And most of all, he _wants_ to do it, wants to be this for Brendon, even if it's just one time.

"I have an idea," he starts. "I don't know if it would help, and you don't even have to try it if you don't think it's a good idea, but... it could be good."

"Does your idea involve heavy tranquilizers?" Brendon asks with a tired chuckle. "Because I could definitely use some sleep."

"Not exactly," Spencer says, "but it might work out that way. And it's not drugs."

"Then how will it help?" Brendon asks. "You're making me curious."

"I thought you and I could have a mini-vacation, just at home, before we go on tour next week," Spencer says. "You wouldn't have to make any decisions, no real choices — basically not think about anything."

Brendon puts his fork down, chewing to clear his mouth. "I don't think I get what you're saying," he says after swallowing. "Maybe spell it out?"

Okay. Spencer wraps his fingers around his empty glass, feeling the solid smoothness of the thick base. "I'd like to try a scene with you," he says. "A few hours where you only do what I say."

Brendon sits up straighter, blinking and drawing breath as if to say something, but Spencer keeps talking.

"You don't speak if I don't tell you to, you don't go anywhere, don't eat, not anything, unless I tell you."

Brendon stares hard at his own hands on the table for a moment. "What if I don't do what you say?" he asks.

"Then you get punished," Spencer says. It feels like he's holding his breath, even though he knows he's breathing in and spending the air by talking. "I'll punish you, if you're bad."

Brendon laughs, a short chuckle, and looks into Spencer's eyes for a short moment before his gaze slides off again. "That's... I'm surprised," he finally says. "I'm not sure what to say." And then he's quiet again.

Spencer's feeling of holding his breath intensifies into a hard lump in his throat. "Yeah," he says, letting go of the glass, "don't worry about it. It was just an idea."

"No, no..." Brendon says, looking up and away again. He lifts his fork from the plate, taps it a couple of times against the porcelain and then puts it back down again. "It's a good idea. It sounds good. It's just... it sounds pretty similar to stuff I do with Sarah."

Spencer nods.

"Yeah," Brendon continues, "and when Sarah and I do stuff, it's, uh, usually pretty sexy." He's not looking at Spencer at all anymore.

"Oh! Right, yeah." Spencer doesn't know if he's embarrassed because Brendon is assuming he's suggesting something sexy, or because Spencer knows that he _would_ probably find that at least a little sexy.

"It doesn't have to be sexual, exactly," he says, feeling himself blush a little, "We don't have to, like, do it that way."

"Ha ha, _that_ way." Brendon chuckles again and looks up. His face is a little red.

"I know you miss Sarah," Spencer keeps going. "It would be cool if I could help you out. I'd kind of like to do that for you."

"I'd... never really thought about the possibility. You do a lot of this?" Brendon sounds a bit incredulous.

"The power game thing?" Spencer asks.

"I dunno, anything. It's not like you've talked about it. I... didn't even know you were really into that sort of thing."

"Hasn't really come up in conversation," Spencer says wryly.

Well, Brendon has talked about it, in relation to himself and Sarah, but Spencer has never really felt comfortable mentioning it. At first because he didn't feel it was any of Brendon's business, what Spencer did in bed, and later because there didn't seem to be a way to talk about what he liked without it sounding like a come-on. In fact, Spencer's not entirely sure it wouldn't have been a come-on if he'd tried, so he's stayed away from the topic until now.

"But have you done it before?" Brendon asks again, insistent.

"Not like a lifestyle or anything," Spencer admits. "Just a few times."

If he counts inside his head — Haley, Tom, three anonymous guys he met online, Laura from LA a few times at her place — it's closer to ten, but that's still not a whole lot, so he doesn't correct himself.

Brendon sucks on his lower lip, clearly thinking. "It sounds good," he says. "But I wanna talk to Sarah first, just to make sure."

Spencer feels a little lightheaded. This is pretty much the best possible outcome. "Tell me if she's okay with it, and we can plan it out," he says.

 

***

 

Sarah is okay with it.

She thinks it's a great idea. "If this works well, you guys can do it on tours," she apparently tells Brendon, along with instructions to call and tell her how it goes. Brendon wears a small, hopeful smile as he relates it.

"That's... really great," Spencer says, his mind racing with possibilities. "You wanna try it today?"

"Yeah, that'd be good, I do," Brendon says, smiling. "You think we should decide on a safeword and stuff?"

"Yeah, I'd feel better if we have a word," Spencer admits. He's never really played without one, except for that first time with Haley, when things didn't go so well. He tries not to think about that too often. "Do you have one, or do you want to do traffic lights?"

"I've always just used 'red', yeah," Brendon says. "If that's okay with you." He leans on the wall. "What if I say 'no', though?"

Spencer is glad Brendon mentioned it, because that's a whole other thing. "Do you want 'no' and 'stop' to count as safewords too? I'm okay with that if you are."

"I'd rather have just the colors," Brendon says. "Sometimes I like saying no. Is that okay?" He looks a little embarrassed about it.

"Of course it's okay," Spencer says. "So... are you okay with what we talked about? I decide everything you do?"

"I trust you not to tell me to jump from the roof, yeah," Brendon says. "And you said... You'll punish me if I'm bad?"

"That's right," Spencer says, making a mental note. "I'm not going to tell you everything in advance. I might hurt you a little, but I'm not planning on either of us getting off. It's mostly going to be obedience and some easy rules. Praise if you're good, punishment if not, but nothing that leaves marks. That okay with you?"

"Okay," Brendon says after considering for a moment. "It's almost dinnertime. Is it for the rest of today? That seems short for this."

"We can evaluate at the end of the day," Spencer says, thinking. "If you like it, we can keep going until lunch tomorrow, or for all day tomorrow. Just say 'yellow' if you want to pause to talk about something or 'red' if you need to stop completely, okay?" He hasn't really planned for starting right now, but if Brendon's ready for it, he can improvise. And he has all these ideas. Not that he thinks Brendon would be up for all of them, but maybe some?

"You can start by giving me your phone," Spencer tells Brendon. He knows Brendon has it in the pocket of his sweatpants, so he holds his hand out expectantly.

"What, why?" Brendon asks.

"You don't need to question me," Spencer says. "Just give it to me."

"Oh, right..." Brendon reaches into his pocket and takes out his phone, switching it to silent before giving it to Spencer.

Spencer puts Brendon's phone in his own pocket. He can check it now and then to make sure Brendon doesn't miss anything really important. "Sit down," he continues.

Brendon takes a few steps toward the chairs at the table.

"I didn't say at the table," Spencer says. "Sit down means sit down. Right there."

"On the floor?" Brendon asks, looking puzzled.

"I thought you were used to following orders," Spencer says. "What would Sarah think, with you mouthing back like that?"

Brendon blinks, and then sits down on the floor, legs crossed. "Sorry," he says.

That's good. That means Brendon is giving up easily, over something simple but yet something he wouldn't do normally. Spencer doubts that Brendon sitting down just because Spencer told him to is enough of a mindset, but it's a start. He should push Brendon a little further along that road. Not too much too fast, though. He doesn't know how Brendon works in this setting yet.

"Now sit still until I tell you differently," Spencer says. "You can speak if you have a question. If not, be quiet."

"Okay," Brendon says, and then immediately corrects himself. "That wasn't a question, sorry."

Spencer quirks his mouth, amused.

"And that wasn't one either," Brendon continues before closing his mouth, making an exaggerated face. He doesn't wait long before opening it again, though. "Are you going to punish me?" he asks.

"Not for that," Spencer says. Brendon seems pretty eager for the punishment part of it, so Spencer feels safe in adding, "But if you say something else that's not a question, you'll stand in the corner until I think you've learned your lesson."

"That's not much of a punishment," Brendon says.

This is rapidly turning funny. Brendon's promising start is turning more into bratting. Or it's possible that it's hard for Brendon to get into the right way of thinking right now. Anyway, Spencer knows the remedy for that.

"Up you go," he says.

When Brendon just stares at him, Spencer holds his hand out until Brendon takes it, and then he helps Brendon to his feet.

"Corner time," Spencer says, turning Brendon around and pushing him gently toward the closest accessible corner.

"Sorry," Brendon says.

"That means more time in the corner for you. I told you the rules," Spencer says calmly. He positions Brendon, carefully body checking him into the corner until his forehead is touching both walls. Then he takes Brendon's hands and pulls them behind his back, placing the back of one of his hands into the palm of the other.

"This is how I want you now," Spencer says. "You stand here, just like this, and you don't speak. No questions. Until I decide you can stop." He reinforces the instructions with a hand on the back of Brendon's neck, checking that Brendon stays in the same position as he lets go.

As he turns around and walks to the couch, he hears Brendon fidget, but it's not a major thing so he leaves it. He can see that this is hard for Brendon, and Spencer wants him to have the time to get it right. He sits down and picks his iPad up from the table, starts going through every app on it to pass the time, to give Brendon a chance to settle.

Now and then he glances at Brendon in the corner. It's working — Brendon isn't moving, only shifting now and then, and he's quiet. Spencer is a little impressed, although he really shouldn't be. He knows Brendon can do almost anything if he just applies himself, and this is nothing different. Spencer is just happy Brendon can turn his focus the right way for this.

After Spencer has checked through all his apps, and some twice, he decides enough time has passed. He gets up, walks over to Brendon and puts his hand on Brendon's shoulder.

Brendon flinches a tiny bit, startled, but relaxes right back into his position without saying anything.

"Good boy," Spencer says. "You can come back now. You're done with the corner for now. You did well."

He takes Brendon's hands and places them back at his sides, hanging down. Brendon lets him do it, unmoving and silent. When Spencer pulls him over to the couch, he follows easily. Spencer looks at Brendon's face, but Brendon isn't looking back at Spencer. His features are relaxed and solemn, his gaze not really fixed at anything.

"Come here, boy," Spencer says, sitting back down on the couch. "Sit down." He pulls Brendon down until he's sitting on the floor, nudges him so that Brendon is leaning against Spencer's thigh. Brendon follows direction well, resting his head on Spencer's thigh with a small sigh. Spencer can feel the warm, damp breath through the fabric of his pants.

"If you have a question, you can ask it now," he tells Brendon. "If not, this is what we're doing. You sit here."

Brendon doesn't reply. He just rubs his cheek a little against Spencer's thigh. Spencer smiles.

"Good boy," Spencer tells Brendon again, and pets his head. "No need to worry, you just relax."

He keeps his hand in Brendon's hair, balancing the iPad on his other thigh. He doesn't really have anything to do online, but this seems good for now, and he doesn't mind some aimless surfing if that's what it takes for Brendon to rest, to not think about anything.

It's very relaxing, to have this different Brendon just as a presence, so much smaller than Brendon's presence usually is. Like a sleepy dog, or a cat, just breathing and _there_. Spencer loves the fact that Brendon, who is usually never still, can also do this. It's like Brendon is giving Spencer something special.

Spencer sits like that, with the weight of Brendon's head against his thigh and his breath making a damp patch on his pant leg. It's a little difficult to concentrate on anything but Brendon's breathing, the slow, even sound of it, and the warmth against his leg. He scratches gently through Brendon's hair now and then, trying to stay in the now and enjoy the feeling.

Eventually, Brendon starts to fidget a little.

"Would you like to ask a question, Brendon?" Spencer says after the second time Brendon's head bumps against the iPad, threatening to make it slide to the floor.

Brendon nods, his cheek rubbing against Spencer's thigh. He turns his head, looking up at Spencer, and Spencer is a little startled by how open Brendon looks like this. Not quite drifting away, like he seemed before, but instead a little like a small child, looking Spencer in the eye directly and earnestly.

"Tell me," Spencer says when Brendon still remains silent.

"I was bad," Brendon says. "Yesterday I pulled my best friend's hair, and I didn't say sorry. I was bad, and I don't want to be bad..."

Spencer blinks, watching Brendon's worried face for a moment. Then he thinks about what Brendon said earlier, how he had specifically asked about punishment. Spencer just didn't think that Brendon might want to take on the role of an actual child. But he can definitely work with this.

"I'm disappointed that you were bad, Brendon," he says. "That wasn't a nice thing to do at all. But I'm glad you told me. Now we can deal with it, and I can give you your punishment, and then you'll feel much better."

Brendon puts his head down again, sighing. "I'm so sorry," he says. Then he looks up at Spencer with wide eyes. "Please, do I have to?"

"I'm afraid so, Brendon," Spencer tells him, putting just a touch of regret in his voice. "You know what happens to boys who have been bad?"

Brendon's eyes opens even wider. "Oh please, not a spanking, please don't!"

Spencer is 99.9% sure that Brendon has just told him what he really wants.

"Bad boys have to take their spankings," Spencer says, burying his fingers in Brendon's hair and pulling gently. Brendon can yellow light if he wants to talk about something, but Spencer doesn't think he will. Spencer hopes he won't.

Brendon makes a small noise and scrambles to his knees, following the pull. It shouldn't be enough to hurt Brendon, but Spencer still relaxes his grip a little bit, puts the iPad away and guides Brendon to lie on the couch across Spencer's lap.

"Don't worry, boy," Spencer tells Brendon as he wraps an arm around Brendon's middle to hold him more securely. He uses his other hand to pull down the elastic waist of Brendon's sweatpants. "This will soon be over, and then you'll feel so much better."

Spencer would in fact prefer it if it wasn't over quite so soon, since he likes spanking, but he did promise no marks. Brendon is wearing boxer briefs, thin and clinging to his ass, and Spencer suddenly finds it hard to look anywhere else but at the curve of beautiful muscle, where it swells and dips. He rests his palm over the top of one of Brendon's thighs, takes a few deep breaths and tries to calm himself. He doesn't want to turn this into something too sexual. Playing is almost always sexy in _some_ way to him, but that doesn't mean he has to take it further.

Brendon's skin is warm, almost hot to the touch. His breathing isn't as calm as it was a few moments ago, and it takes a minute for him to become really still, but he gets there, tense and waiting, his head turned away. Spencer pets Brendon's ass from the small of his back to his thighs, once, twice, and Brendon squirms a little, his breath hitching.

That makes Spencer want to make him wait even longer, drawing out the moment before he starts.

"I'm going to spank you now, Brendon," he says, "and I want you to stay as still as you can. If you can stay really still, you'll get an extra treat later, okay?"

Brendon nods silently, his cheek against the couch cushion.

Spencer thinks Brendon has waited long enough, so he raises his hand and brings it down with a sharp smack. It's a little harder than he usually starts when giving a spanking, but Brendon only flinches a tiny bit.

"Good boy," Spencer tells Brendon and hits him again, falling into an even rhythm, alternating between the left and right side of Brendon's ass. "Just take this, and it will all be over and done with."

Brendon whines softly, but stays still all through twenty sharp swats, only flinching slightly now and then and making tiny noises. Spencer is so pleased that Brendon is doing well, staying still, letting Spencer do this.

"Good boy," he says again after the last one. "You did so well. You were so still."

Brendon relaxes against him in tiny increments. "Thank you," he says in a quiet voice.

"You're welcome," Spencer tells him, feeling warm inside. "All done now, all forgiven."

He gives in to the temptation and moves his hand, petting very gently with his palm over Brendon's ass, just to feel the warmth.

Brendon stays relaxed, but whines softly, and he fidgets before he immediately stills again. Spencer drags his nails lightly over Brendon's ass, back and forth. Then he suddenly digs his fingers into one of Brendon's buttocks — not hard enough to leave a mark, but not gently either.

Brendon groans, but doesn't try to get away. His hips buck, though, and Spencer can feel that Brendon is hard against Spencer's thigh.

There's a pause where they are both waiting, Spencer with his hand on Brendon's ass and Brendon completely still in his position, his hard cock trapped between them. Spencer suddenly realizes that he's hard as well, and that Brendon must be able to feel it. It's exhilarating, but also sobering, because Spencer needs to be careful here.

Spencer takes a breath, which rushes into his chest like he hasn't breathed for a while. "Do you need to go to the bathroom, Brendon?" he says.

After a second's stillness, Brendon nods minutely in reply. Spencer can only see the contour of his cheek, a hint of his nose from his position.

"Go to the bathroom, then wash your hands and come back," Spencer says. He pulls Brendon's pants up before releasing him.

Brendon goes.

Spencer is left breathless and more than a little turned on. He stands up and tries to forget that he just had Brendon's hard dick pressed against himself, tries to will his own erection down.

He is moderately successful.

Brendon comes back into the room a few minutes later, still rubbing his palms against the sides of his pants to dry them. He stops in front of Spencer looking unsure of what to do, since Spencer isn't on the couch anymore.

Spencer can see the soft swell of Brendon's cock in his pants, but he tries not to look down, or think about what Brendon might have done in the bathroom. It's time to move on.

"You don't have to be quiet anymore, Brendon," Spencer says. "We're going to make dinner, and you'll do what I tell you to, but you're allowed to talk."

Brendon pauses for a moment, but then he nods.

Interesting. "Do you remember your safeword, Brendon?" Spencer asks.

Brendon nods again.

"Do you want to use it?"

Brendon shakes his head. He keeps looking Spencer in the eye, and he seems... happy. He doesn't seem childlike anymore, but he's definitely not unhappy or tense.

"Okay, let's make dinner," Spencer says.

He walks to the kitchen, Brendon following him silently.

Spencer figured that Brendon would want a little distance, because of the intensity just a few minutes ago, but he apparently figured wrong. Maybe it's just Spencer.

Brendon sticks close, and when Spencer turns back toward him, he's right there, leaning against the kitchen table, close enough for Spencer to reach out and touch him. Spencer smiles — he can't help himself. He puts an arm around Brendon's shoulder and pulls him into a half hug, their sides pressed together.

"You're a good boy, Brendon," he says.

Brendon smiles in return and tilts his head, bumping his forehead against Spencer's shoulder. It's adorable, and Spencer feels warm inside from it. He can't remember the last time Brendon looked so content.

It's good. This is good.

Spencer seats Brendon by the table and puts a cutting board in front of him. He sets him to slicing mushrooms and putting the results in a bowl while Spencer himself fills a large pot with water and puts it on the stove, turning the gas on. Then he heats a frying pan and gets out a jar of tomato sauce.

He could just as easily order food, but he wants the comfort of cooking, even though it's not complicated. It's also an easy way of occupying Brendon.

When Brendon is done slicing mushrooms, Spencer has him clean the table and then set it. Watching Brendon do it with quiet precision, attention to every detail, Spencer suspects he could just as well have put Brendon on his knees on the floor while Spencer did the cooking.

Spencer shakes some pasta out of the package into the boiling water, thinking about it, how he could feed Brendon little bits of food if Brendon were on his knees beside Spencer's chair. He stirs the frying mushrooms with a fork, and then adds the tomato sauce.

He feels Brendon gently bump into him from behind.

"Can we put Tabasco in there?" Brendon asks quietly, leaning against Spencer's shoulder.

Spencer leaves his daydream for what is actually here, right now. "Go get it from the fridge," he tells Brendon.

Spencer is glad he let Brendon start talking on his own. He doesn't actually want to do anything more serious right now. Not for this first time, and Brendon's not really his, anyway. Spencer is fine with letting things slowly get back to normal.

Brendon gives the Tabasco bottle to Spencer, going back to leaning against Spencer's back. He's humming softly under his breath, seemingly content with watching Spencer stir the sauce.

Spencer enjoys the closeness for the few minutes it takes to finish the sauce and for the pasta to be ready. Then he puts the fork down, turns and hugs Brendon with one arm, a measured squeeze.

"Wanna drain the pasta?" he asks. "It's all done now."

Brendon smiles at him. "Sure!" he says, reaching past Spencer and grabbing the pot.

 

***

 

Spencer calls Sarah before bed. He can't quite shake the feeling that he should, even though Brendon was the one with instructions to do that, so he chooses to trust that feeling.

"I'm not sure," he says, pulling the blanket up over his legs. He's a little cold, even though he put sweatpants on to sleep in.

"What is it you're not sure about?" Sarah asks.

"I mean, I'd kind of planned more, going longer, but... it didn't feel right."

"Spencer," Sarah says. "Brendon called me earlier, and he seemed happy. He liked what you did."

"Yeah, but..." Spencer picks at the edge of the blanket.

"What is it that's really the problem?" Sarah asks.

This is why he likes Sarah. She doesn't pussyfoot around things. She's usually direct and clear about what she thinks and what she wants. Spencer should probably be better at that.

"You know I'm bisexual, right?" he says.

"Yeah," Sarah says. "Not because you told me, no, but from context, yes."

"Okay, so..." This is awkward, but he needs to tell her. "Brendon is my best friend. There's no question about that. But, I'm also sometimes attracted to him. Today was definitely one of those times. I... felt like things could have gone a lot further really quickly, without either of us negotiating for that or even really... thinking about what we were doing. And I, I don't want to take advantage of Brendon when he's not in a place to negotiate. And I didn't want to... put either of us in a situation where I was asking for something, really _needing_ something that he wasn't free to give me."

He's going to have to talk to Brendon as well. There is no way he can keep playing with Brendon if this is what will happen every time. And he can't keep hiding something like this from Brendon, he sees that now.

Sarah is silent on the other end of the line.

Fuck. Shit. "Sarah?"

"I'm thinking, hang on," she says.

Spencer waits.

"Brendon is, as far as I know, mostly straight," Sarah says slowly.

"I know," Spencer says, feeling miserable. "And I'm really not trying to take him from you."

"I know. I know," Sarah says. "But I also know he doesn't have many hangups about sex and gender. Surprisingly enough."

"Mm," Spencer says, thinking of Brendon's upbringing. It's a wonder Brendon didn't wind up with a lot more issues than the ones he has.

"I'm pretty sure that Brendon could have sex with you and like it," Sarah says.

"Wait, what?"

"I'm saying, if the reason things didn't feel right was because you felt like you couldn't bring it to a sexual place, then I think we can very probably work that out."

"Uhh," Spencer says. He can feel his eyebrows climbing higher by the second. "You guys are getting married. How exactly would that work?"

"Is that the reason, though?" Sarah asks. "Is that why things didn't work for you? Because Brendon liked it."

"It was," Spencer says slowly. He feels like he's lost any understanding of where this is going. "And also that I knew he wasn't really mine. That he couldn't be."

"Mm," Sarah says. "We are getting married. That's true. But what you might not know is that me and Brendon have talked a lot about fidelity, and how we define relationships. For example, I don't see why getting married should close the door to other possibilities. Sure, I love Brendon, and he loves me. But I like to think that people have room for more than one person. That you can share different kinds of relationships with different people. And sometimes the same kinds of relationships."

It's Spencer's turn to be silent, as he tries to work through what Sarah is actually saying.

"Do you understand me?" Sarah says, after the silence has lasted for more than a few moments.

"I... think you should say exactly what you mean," Spencer says. "I don't want to misunderstand."

"I don't mind you playing with Brendon," Sarah says. "I don't mind it if you have sex with him, as part of playing. I wouldn't mind if you had a romantic relationship with him, outside of mine and Brendon's relationship."

Spencer swallows.

"All it really hangs on," Sarah continues, "is if Brendon is willing to try the physical side of loving you. And really, I think he would go for it."

Spencer winces a little at the word 'loving', but of course Brendon loves him. And Spencer loves Brendon. In a friend way. But maybe it could be something more. Maybe it could be _allowed_ to be more.

"I'm not... I don't want to negotiate a relationship with Brendon without talking to Brendon," Spencer finally says. It's something that he thinks needs saying.

"Of course not," Sarah says. "Spencer, I wouldn't do that. And I don't even have the kind of relationship with Brendon that would give me that right. I just want to make sure that you know that the possibility is likely there, and that I wouldn't have anything against it."

"Yeah, no," Spencer says, his thoughts whirling. He needs to think about this. It's confusing, and what Sarah is saying is bringing up old, buried feelings. The possibility of having more than friendship with Brendon isn't something he's really thought about — not in years and years, anyway.

"Is there anything you would like me to talk to Brendon about? Anything that would make things easier?" Sarah asks.

"Not right now," Spencer says. He sighs. "I have to think about this. I have to be sure about what I want first. I need to know if I can share like that." It's tempting to just... take what Brendon will give him, but what Spencer would really like to know is if something like this even has a chance of _working_. He's not sure if he's ready to take that risk.

"Of course," Sarah says. "I understand. I know it's not for everyone."

"Yeah, I want to think about it. I don't want to ruin anything."

"I won't mention anything to Brendon," Sarah says. "You guys talk about it, any way you need to."

 

***

 

Spencer has a hard time sleeping after the phone call ends. He can't stop thinking about the possibilities opening up. His brain keeps making up scenarios about what might happen, if he decides to take the opportunity. If Brendon really will be open to the suggestion.

Spencer sighs, turning onto his other side again. He reaches for his cell phone, checks the time.

00:14. Late, but not horribly late.

Spencer takes a few deep breaths. Then he types quickly.

when you wake up I want to talk

Then he pushes "send", puts the phone back on the side table and lies on his back. He stares up onto the dark ceiling. The blinds aren't closed, but the light from the streetlights outside is minimal.

He can choose what he'll talk about tomorrow morning, but he knows himself well enough to understand that he's already made up his mind. He's taking this chance — he can't pass on something that could be so good. He just needs to let it settle, to start making plans. If he's doing this, he needs to phrase things in words in his own mind first.

 _I want more with you._

He tries it on.

 _I want you._

Spencer's cell phone vibrates, making a low, burring noise against the table. Spencer takes it and holds it above his face. The message on the backlit screen says

looking forward to it :))

The screen fades back to black, but Spencer pushes the button to see it again, to make sure he gets every possible meaning of what it says. His heart beats faster. Maybe Brendon already knows what Spencer wants to talk about.

Then he rolls his eyes at himself and puts the phone back on the table. He likes to think of himself as an adult, but apparently he's not old enough that he's stopped worrying about if someone _likes_ him, being excited by the possibility. He wonders how old he'll have to be for that.

He closes his eyes and breathes out, in and out. Tomorrow, he reminds himself. Tomorrow, and not right now.

He pulls the blanket back up to his chin and tries to sleep.


End file.
